Asking Questions Instead of Pointing Out Problems

6. Ask What Would Make Something Easier

Sometimes the best question is wonderfully simple: "What would make this easier?"

Dad complains about hauling the garbage cans to the road.

Don't immediately arrange garbage service.

Ask the question.

Maybe he wants a lighter container. Maybe the wheels don't roll very well. Maybe moving the cans to a different location would help.

Maybe he says: "You know what would make it easier? If you took them out when you come over on Thursdays."

Well... You did ask. 😄

The point is, his answer may be much simpler than the solution you were preparing to offer.

7. Ask Before You Help

You see Mom carrying something awkward. Your instinct is to grab it.

You notice Dad struggling with a package and immediately start opening it.

You begin moving things, fixing things, and doing things because you're trying to make life easier.

Sometimes that's appreciated. Sometimes it isn't.

Try: "Want a hand with that?"

And if the answer is no, let no mean no.

This little question communicates something important: "I see you. I'm available. And I still expect you to decide when you want my help."

That's a powerful message.

8. Ask "What Do You Think?" — And Mean It

You've found a shower seat you think Mom might like. Or someone who could help Dad with snow removal.

Maybe you've discovered a meal service, a different lawn mower, a transportation option, or some little gadget.

Instead of: "This would be perfect for you."

Try: "I came across this and thought it was interesting. What do you think?"

Then be prepared for: "I don't like it."

That's part of asking.

If every question has a correct answer, it wasn't really a question.

Sometimes Mom will say no. Sometimes Dad will point out something you hadn't considered.

And sometimes they'll surprise you with: "Actually, that's kind of neat."

Now you have somewhere to go.

9. Ask Again Later — Without Saying "I Told You So"

Six months ago, Dad didn't want anyone helping with snow.

Today, after a particularly miserable January morning, he says: "I'm getting pretty tired of dealing with this driveway."

This is not the moment to say: "That's what I've been telling you!"

Tempting. But no. 😄

Instead: "What would you like to do differently?"

The conversation has changed because Dad's thinking has changed.

Give him room to explore it without reminding him that you arrived at this conclusion first.

It doesn't matter who thought of it first. What matters is that he's ready to talk about it now.

10. Sometimes Ask a Question and Leave It There

Not every question needs to lead to a discussion.

You might say: "Do you still enjoy taking care of all this yard?"

Dad says: "Most of it."

You could immediately follow with: "Well, which parts don't you like? Because I know somebody who could—"

Or...

You could simply say: "Yeah, I can understand that."

And continue drinking your coffee.

The question has been asked. Dad heard himself answer it. Maybe that's enough.

Because a good question can keep working long after the conversation has moved on.

Next week, while he's trimming around the fence, he may think: "You know, this is the part I really don't enjoy anymore." And perhaps a month from now he brings it up.

That's the beauty of asking instead of telling.

You're not trying to guide your parent toward the answer you already chose. You're giving them room to notice, think, and decide.

And every once in a while, you may discover something else: The person who needed to look at the situation differently wasn't your parent. Maybe it was you.

That's why questions can be so powerful. They leave room for both of you to learn something.

And that's a much better place to begin than pointing out everything you think needs to change.

When you care about someone, you notice things. The steps look a little cluttered. Dad seems tired after mowing the lawn. Mom hasn't been cooking as much lately. There's a stack of mail on the counter that wasn't there the last time you visited.

And because you're trying to help, your first instinct may be to point it out.

"Mom, you've really got to do something about all this mail." "Dad, that lawn is getting to be too much for you." "You really shouldn't have that sitting there."

The problem is, what sounds like concern to you can sound very different to the person hearing it.

They may hear: "You're not keeping up anymore." "I don't think you can handle this."

Or even: "I'm starting to keep track of the things you can't do."

That's probably not what you meant at all.

So before pointing something out, try getting curious about it. Instead of: "Mom, you're hardly cooking anymore."

Try: "What have you been making for supper lately?"

Instead of: "Dad, this yard is getting to be too much."

Try: "How's the yard work been going this summer?"

Instead of: "You shouldn't leave things on the stairs."

Maybe: "I notice a few things tend to collect here. Is this where you put things you're taking upstairs?"

Then listen.

There may be a perfectly good explanation. You may discover something really is becoming inconvenient. Or your question may get your parent thinking about something they hadn't thought much about before.

That's the wonderful thing about a good question. It doesn't tell someone what to think. It gives them room to think.

And sometimes, if you give that question a little time, your parent may eventually come to the very same conclusion you were hoping they would reach. Only now it isn't your idea being pushed on them. It's theirs.

So the next time you notice something, you don't have to pretend you didn't see it.

Just pause before pointing it out and ask yourself: "Is there a question I could ask instead?"

You may still end up talking about exactly the same thing.

But it can feel a whole lot more like two adults figuring something out together — and a whole lot less like one person telling the other what needs to change.

Try Getting Curious Before Offering an Answer
The next time you notice something that concerns you, see if you can catch yourself before saying what you think should happen.

You don't have to ignore what you've noticed. Just turn the observation into curiosity.

Ask one question. Then give your parent enough time to answer it.

You may learn something you didn't know. And sometimes, simply answering the question helps them notice something they hadn't really thought about either.

Here are ten ways to try it.

1. Instead of "That's Getting Hard for You," Ask "How's That Been Going?"

Maybe Dad looks exhausted after mowing. Mom seems to be struggling with a household job.

Your instinct may be to say: "That looks like it's getting pretty hard for you."

But you've already reached a conclusion.

Try: "How's mowing been going this year?"

Or: "How's that been working for you lately?"

Maybe Dad says: "Fine. I love mowing."

Good. Now you know.

But maybe he says: "Actually, it takes me about twice as long as it used to."

Now you're not pointing out a problem. You're listening to him describe his experience.

That's a very different place to begin.

2. Ask "What Part Bothers You the Most?"

Sometimes we see a situation and immediately start solving the wrong problem.

Mom isn't cooking very much. Maybe you assume cooking has become difficult.

But ask: "Is there anything about making meals that's become a nuisance?"

She may say: "Cooking is fine. I just hate figuring out what to make for one person."

Well, that's an entirely different problem.

Or perhaps: "I don't mind cooking. Carrying the groceries into the house is what I hate."

Now you know where a little help might actually matter.

Don't solve the problem until you know which problem you're solving.

3. Ask What They Would Change

This can be a fun question because it doesn't begin with anything being wrong.

"If you could make one thing around here easier, what would it be?"

Then see what happens.

Maybe it's the stairs. Maybe it's opening a stubborn window. Maybe it's getting groceries into the house. Maybe it's the television remote with approximately 147 buttons, three of which anybody actually uses.

Or perhaps the answer is: "Nothing. I like things the way they are."

That's an answer too.

You aren't creating a list of things that need fixing. You're giving your parent a chance to notice what they would like to be different.

4. Ask "What Do You Usually Do When That Happens?"

You notice Mom steadying herself on the bathroom counter.

Your first thought might be: "Mom, you need a grab bar."

Pause.

Try: "What do you usually hold onto when you're getting out of the shower?"

Maybe she points to the counter. Maybe she says she doesn't need anything. Maybe she tells you the towel bar is exactly where she wants to put her hand.

Now you've learned something important about how she actually uses the room.

And she may have noticed it too.

You can explore possibilities from there without beginning the conversation with something she "needs."

5. Ask About the Routine, Not Just the Thing You Noticed

You see several prescription bottles on the kitchen counter.

Instead of: "Mom, are you keeping all these medications straight?"

Try: "What's your routine for taking your pills?"

She may show you a system that works beautifully.

Or halfway through explaining it she may say: "Well...except sometimes I can't remember whether I took the evening one."

Notice what happened.

You didn't announce that she had a problem. You asked how she does something. And she had the opportunity to decide for herself whether the system is working.